Honesty relates to many things and affects our life in many different ways. Honesty expresses both self-respect and respect for others. Dishonesty respects neither others nor ourselves. Honesty imbues life with openness, reliability, and candor; it represents a disposition to live in the light. Dishonesty seeks shade, cover, or concealment. It is a disposition to live at least partly in the dark.
Honesty means to tell yourself and others the truth, even if it is sometimes difficult. Honesty is more than simply not lying; it is a sincere devotion to truthfulness. An honest person seeks the truth with an open mind and tries to clearly communicate the truth. Honesty begins within ourselves, is part of our personal relationships, and finally colors and directs everything that we do.
Honest people are trustworthy. They can be relied upon to be who they claim to be, to mean what they say, and to keep their word. The level of honesty we live with influences everything in our life, from our relationships with others to our own self-image. Honesty is a personal virtue possessed by many of the great people in history and by those who are working toward the highest realization of themselves.
Why is it often so hard to be honest? Why would anyone even think to be dishonest?
Honesty in society
In a world in which dishonesty seems almost commonplace and often is expected as part of “getting ahead,” why should a person be honest? Isn't it naive or foolish? Don't people take advantage of an honest person?
If we think about it, honesty is important to everyone. A society based on deception and lies cannot function well. If we cannot trust the people around us to tell us the truth, then our sense of community suffers. Deception and distrust breed conflict and social disintegration.
Of course, hearing the truth isn’t always easy. Leaders often surround themselves with people who tell them what they want to hear rather than what they ought to hear. Hearing the truth means we may have to change something we would rather just leave alone. Truth often exposes our selfish side that we don’t want others to see. That is why truth is often compared to light. Light exposes the seamier things that go on in the darkness. When these things are allowed to fester, the whole society suffers and eventually declines.
Example: The Emperor's New Clothes
You have probably heard the Hans Christian Anderson story of The Emperor's New Clothes. In this story, a vain and incompetent Emperor, who cares for nothing besides his elegant wardrobe, is swindled by two very clever visitors to his city. Claiming to be master tailors, the swindlers say they make fine material with magical properties: it is invisible to anyone who is stupid.
The power of conformity over honesty is demonstrated as person after person who cannot see the invisible cloth claims that he can. Every minister in the Emperor's cabinet lies about how beautiful the cloth looks to him so that no one will think him stupid. When the Emperor himself puts on the suit of clothes the tailors have made him from the "beautiful" cloth, he too cannot see it, but he dares not let on. He goes so far as to parade through the town naked, thinking perhaps he is the only one who cannot see the fine and magical cloth--the only one who is stupid.
Eventually, a small child in the crowd innocently points out the truth, "The Emperor has no clothes!" and the lying adults are forced to admit the truth.
Whenever people buy into a widespread lie in order to "go along with the crowd" and not be thought stupid, it is good to remember this story of foolishness and dishonesty. Eventually, almost all lies come out into the light and are "laid bare," just like the pitiful Emperor.
Honesty with ourselves
Honest people tend to be honest first of all with themselves. They are skilled at listening to what is really going on inside them — what they are thinking and feeling and why they behave in the way that they do. They recognize what their deeper motivations are. There is little contradiction between what they think, what they feel, and what they say or do. They have a sense of personal integrity and wholeness. They have a clear conscience and high self-esteem. We sometimes say that they are "a man of his word" or that "her word is her bond."
Sometimes we are ashamed or afraid of our thoughts and feelings. We avoid looking honestly within because to do so would be too painful. Looking at ourselves may mean having to change, which is also painful. It’s easier to pretend that everything is okay, or that if there are problems, we are not to blame. It is tempting to fill our time with many distractions so that we never have to face ourselves.
Another way we can be dishonest with ourselves is in justifying our bad behavior. When we do something wrong, rather than admitting it, we often come up with all sorts of reasons why it is not really wrong at all, or at least not so bad. For example:
“It’s not a big deal if I spend the change from food shopping on a new DVD. My mother wouldn't mind if I did. She'll never notice anyway.”
“I can stay out later than my parents said. I'll just tell them that the buses were running irregularly and we were stuck in traffic. They always believe me, and anyway, I'm not doing anything really bad.”
“It’s all right if I tell Margaret about Linda’s problem. We're all friends and it doesn’t really hurt Linda. She probably already told Margaret herself anyway.”
This kind of self-justification is called rationalizing. Rationalizing allows us to do or say something that contradicts what we know is right because it frees us (at least at the moment) from the guilt we would feel if we were honest with ourselves. When we do this, even if we don’t hurt others, we damage ourselves because we lose our sense of personal integrity. We know deep down that we are being true neither to ourselves nor to others.
Honesty in personal relationships
Honesty generates trust and forms a basis for wholesome relationships at the personal and social levels — in friendships, marriages, parent-child relationships and other close bonds.
Gossip, rumor and slander are sources of hurt known to many high school students. Such talk can ruin a person's reputation and destroy friendships as well as devastate a person's self-esteem. Gossip creates an atmosphere of distrust and meanness while causing pain to the person it targets. One day after school I was with a group of friends. They all began to talk about another friend from our group who wasn’t there. At first it was funny to hear what they were saying. Harmless, I thought, but then something struck me — “What if they were talking about me?” I thought I would feel terrible and I would never trust any of them. Then I wondered, “Maybe they do talk the same way about me when I'm not with them.” — a 16-year-old high-school student
When was the last time you spoke unkindly about someone behind his or her back?
Gossip and lies can quickly destroy even a long-lasting close relationship. But sometimes it is just as harmful when one side simply hides something from the other.
Example: Gina’s mother always asked her where she was going when she went out with her friends on Saturday nights. Finding that her daughter had lied about her whereabouts on several occasions, the mother was shocked and hurt. Finally, she asked Gina, “How would you feel if I lied to you about where I was going every time I left the house?”“But that's different!” protested Gina.
Is it different? If our parents lied to us, we would be hurt because we trust and love them. We trust that they will be there for us, in full honesty, to help and guide us, because they love us so much. But for love and trust to remain in a relationship, both sides have to be honest and trustworthy, not just one.
While we’re still young, it is important to understand the negative repercussions of even small lies. We may tell a lie because we think it is a way out of a difficult situation. However, the consequences can be long lasting and difficult to restore because trust has been broken.
In our personal relationships honesty is a virtue to be contemplated. Have you ever really thought about the level of truthfulness and trust between you and the people to whom you are closest? Do you feel that your friends and family are basically honest with you? How important do you think this is? If you discovered that someone you love had told you a lie, how would you feel?
In summary, we can say that honesty does the following:
Enables people to live in reality rather than delusion
Keeps human society functioning
Forms a basis for personal relationships
Gives people an inner sense of freedom
Rewards people with a feeling of integrity
Sometimes we face situations in life that deeply challenge us. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to keep our honesty. But a person of integrity cannot live a lie, whatever the circumstances. She cannot tell a lie or pretend that something is not the way she knows it to be and feel good about herself. He loves the truth and values his personal integrity even at the cost of his life. She cannot but speak out against injustice. He refuses to participate in lies and pretenses. In a world where lies and injustice are commonplace, such a person may not be popular, because she is not afraid to be honest and straightforward.
Honesty and sensitivity
Is there ever a time in which we should not be completely truthful? Let's say your younger sister made a complete mess while making something special for you to eat. It tasted terrible. Would you be completely truthful with her? Or, because you knew she tried hard to do something for you and you loved her, would you say instead, "Thank you. This tastes wonderful"? Honesty is one virtue among many and should not itself become an absolute dictum. It has to be kept in balance with other qualities such as politeness, loyalty, privacy, sensitivity and patience. There are simple norms of good behavior that "being honest" do not entitle one to violate.
True honesty is an expression of love and therefore shows respect for the person as well as the relationship. It allows disclosure and prevents secrets and barriers that might hinder the growth of heart. Honesty that does not express care and concern is not authentic.
Honesty is not an excuse for being unkind. It is possible to be both honest and sensitive. Occasionally we must say things that another person may not want to hear. Kindness does not mean keeping our mouths shut in these instances. Rather, it means caring enough about the other person and the integrity of the relationship to express the truth in a respectful way. Speaking the truth does not mean blurting out everything that is on our minds. Discretion, sensitivity, and proper timing are needed.
In fact, when you can be both honest and sensitive, people will be able to accept what you are saying much more easily. Just knowing someone very well (such as your mother, father, sister, brother or best friend) does not give you permission to be cruel. Friendship requires its own artistry in relating well to others. You may help others to see important things that have been ignored, but the way in which you do this means everything. If you can be sensitive, your friends will probably genuinely appreciate your honesty.
Questions for discussion
1. What does honesty have to do with personal relationships?
2. What does it mean to be honest with yourself?
3. What does self-deception mean?
4. What would it be like to live in a society where no one was honest with each other?
5. How does it feel to be lied to?
6. If someone you know lies to you and then asks for your forgiveness, can you easily trust that person, or does it take time to rebuild trust?
7. How does lying affect your character?
8. What does it mean to “rationalize” something? Why do people do this?
Exercise: “What’s wrong here?”
In each of the following situations, try to answer the following questions: 1. What is the problem with this situation? 2. How would you feel if you were in this situation? 3. What would you do?
A. You are promised a job with a certain employer. When you show up for the first day's work, he says he never promised you and has hired his own son instead. B. After having lunch at a café, the person at the cash register gives you too much change. C. You need your mother's signature on your progress report to turn in the next day or you'll get in trouble. You forgot to show it to her. You can imitate her handwriting pretty well, though. D. Kevin said he'd pay you back the money you lent him by Friday. School's almost out for the weekend, and he hasn't given you the money. Reflection Exercise: “Judy and the Lie”
Story of Judy and Nancy
Judy and Nancy had been good friends for a long time. It was not unusual for them to spend Friday night together with their other friends. Therefore, Judy was disappointed when Nancy told her she had to stay home to watch her three-year-old sister the coming Friday night. That Friday, the snow was coming down in blankets as Judy looked out the window of her apartment. She was home with her mother and father and felt terribly bored. Judy decided that her friend Nancy might like some company. So she called her to ask if she could come over for a visit. However, when she called there was no answer. Judy assumed Nancy and her baby sister must have gone to see their neighbor.
On Monday, Mike, a boy in Judy's class, asked her why she did not come to his party on Friday night with Nancy. Judy felt confused and embarrassed, not sure how to answer. Not wanting to believe that her friend Nancy had lied to her, she decided she had to have a talk with her.
Several days later, Judy was with Nancy, riding the bus home from school. Her stomach twisted in knots at the thought that her best friend could have lied to her and deliberately cut her out of an event. Judy had been thinking about it all day and wanted to know the truth from Nancy.
Hoping that Nancy had a good excuse, Judy asked her about Friday night. Nancy looked uncomfortable and looked away from Judy. She told her that she was home all evening with her little sister, and that she thought Judy knew her better than to question her. Judy said nothing else, but got off the bus at her stop. Now she knew that Nancy was not the trusted friend she thought her to be. Not only was the friendship over; Judy sadly wondered what else she had been lied to about.
Questions for reflection 1. If you were Nancy, how would you feel if you lost Judy's friendship because of lying to her? 2. Pretend you are Judy. Only two weeks ago you lied to one of your other friends, but that friend never knew. Would this change the way you handled the present situation? Would it change the way you feel about Nancy lying to you? __
What is honesty?
Table of Contents
Honesty relates to many things and affects our life in many different ways. Honesty expresses both self-respect and respect for others. Dishonesty respects neither others nor ourselves. Honesty imbues life with openness, reliability, and candor; it represents a disposition to live in the light. Dishonesty seeks shade, cover, or concealment. It is a disposition to live at least partly in the dark.
Honesty means to tell yourself and others the truth, even if it is sometimes difficult. Honesty is more than simply not lying; it is a sincere devotion to truthfulness. An honest person seeks the truth with an open mind and tries to clearly communicate the truth. Honesty begins within ourselves, is part of our personal relationships, and finally colors and directs everything that we do.
Honest people are trustworthy. They can be relied upon to be who they claim to be, to mean what they say, and to keep their word. The level of honesty we live with influences everything in our life, from our relationships with others to our own self-image. Honesty is a personal virtue possessed by many of the great people in history and by those who are working toward the highest realization of themselves.
Why is it often so hard to be honest? Why would anyone even think to be dishonest?
Honesty in society
In a world in which dishonesty seems almost commonplace and often is expected as part of “getting ahead,” why should a person be honest? Isn't it naive or foolish? Don't people take advantage of an honest person?If we think about it, honesty is important to everyone. A society based on deception and lies cannot function well. If we cannot trust the people around us to tell us the truth, then our sense of community suffers. Deception and distrust breed conflict and social disintegration.
Of course, hearing the truth isn’t always easy. Leaders often surround themselves with people who tell them what they want to hear rather than what they ought to hear. Hearing the truth means we may have to change something we would rather just leave alone. Truth often exposes our selfish side that we don’t want others to see. That is why truth is often compared to light. Light exposes the seamier things that go on in the darkness. When these things are allowed to fester, the whole society suffers and eventually declines.
Example: The Emperor's New Clothes
You have probably heard the Hans Christian Anderson story of The Emperor's New Clothes. In this story, a vain and incompetent Emperor, who cares for nothing besides his elegant wardrobe, is swindled by two very clever visitors to his city. Claiming to be master tailors, the swindlers say they make fine material with magical properties: it is invisible to anyone who is stupid.The power of conformity over honesty is demonstrated as person after person who cannot see the invisible cloth claims that he can. Every minister in the Emperor's cabinet lies about how beautiful the cloth looks to him so that no one will think him stupid. When the Emperor himself puts on the suit of clothes the tailors have made him from the "beautiful" cloth, he too cannot see it, but he dares not let on. He goes so far as to parade through the town naked, thinking perhaps he is the only one who cannot see the fine and magical cloth--the only one who is stupid.
Eventually, a small child in the crowd innocently points out the truth, "The Emperor has no clothes!" and the lying adults are forced to admit the truth.
Whenever people buy into a widespread lie in order to "go along with the crowd" and not be thought stupid, it is good to remember this story of foolishness and dishonesty. Eventually, almost all lies come out into the light and are "laid bare," just like the pitiful Emperor.
Honesty with ourselves
Honest people tend to be honest first of all with themselves. They are skilled at listening to what is really going on inside them — what they are thinking and feeling and why they behave in the way that they do. They recognize what their deeper motivations are. There is little contradiction between what they think, what they feel, and what they say or do. They have a sense of personal integrity and wholeness. They have a clear conscience and high self-esteem. We sometimes say that they are "a man of his word" or that "her word is her bond."Sometimes we are ashamed or afraid of our thoughts and feelings. We avoid looking honestly within because to do so would be too painful. Looking at ourselves may mean having to change, which is also painful. It’s easier to pretend that everything is okay, or that if there are problems, we are not to blame. It is tempting to fill our time with many distractions so that we never have to face ourselves.
Another way we can be dishonest with ourselves is in justifying our bad behavior. When we do something wrong, rather than admitting it, we often come up with all sorts of reasons why it is not really wrong at all, or at least not so bad. For example:
This kind of self-justification is called rationalizing. Rationalizing allows us to do or say something that contradicts what we know is right because it frees us (at least at the moment) from the guilt we would feel if we were honest with ourselves. When we do this, even if we don’t hurt others, we damage ourselves because we lose our sense of personal integrity. We know deep down that we are being true neither to ourselves nor to others.
Honesty in personal relationships
Honesty generates trust and forms a basis for wholesome relationships at the personal and social levels — in friendships, marriages, parent-child relationships and other close bonds.Gossip, rumor and slander are sources of hurt known to many high school students. Such talk can ruin a person's reputation and destroy friendships as well as devastate a person's self-esteem. Gossip creates an atmosphere of distrust and meanness while causing pain to the person it targets.
One day after school I was with a group of friends. They all began to talk about another friend from our group who wasn’t there. At first it was funny to hear what they were saying. Harmless, I thought, but then something struck me — “What if they were talking about me?” I thought I would feel terrible and I would never trust any of them. Then I wondered, “Maybe they do talk the same way about me when I'm not with them.”
— a 16-year-old high-school student
When was the last time you spoke unkindly about someone behind his or her back?
Gossip and lies can quickly destroy even a long-lasting close relationship. But sometimes it is just as harmful when one side simply hides something from the other.
Example: Gina’s mother always asked her where she was going when she went out with her friends on Saturday nights. Finding that her daughter had lied about her whereabouts on several occasions, the mother was shocked and hurt. Finally, she asked Gina, “How would you feel if I lied to you about where I was going every time I left the house?” “But that's different!” protested Gina.
Is it different? If our parents lied to us, we would be hurt because we trust and love them. We trust that they will be there for us, in full honesty, to help and guide us, because they love us so much. But for love and trust to remain in a relationship, both sides have to be honest and trustworthy, not just one.
While we’re still young, it is important to understand the negative repercussions of even small lies. We may tell a lie because we think it is a way out of a difficult situation. However, the consequences can be long lasting and difficult to restore because trust has been broken.
In our personal relationships honesty is a virtue to be contemplated. Have you ever really thought about the level of truthfulness and trust between you and the people to whom you are closest? Do you feel that your friends and family are basically honest with you? How important do you think this is? If you discovered that someone you love had told you a lie, how would you feel?
In summary, we can say that honesty does the following:
Sometimes we face situations in life that deeply challenge us. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to keep our honesty. But a person of integrity cannot live a lie, whatever the circumstances. She cannot tell a lie or pretend that something is not the way she knows it to be and feel good about herself. He loves the truth and values his personal integrity even at the cost of his life. She cannot but speak out against injustice. He refuses to participate in lies and pretenses. In a world where lies and injustice are commonplace, such a person may not be popular, because she is not afraid to be honest and straightforward.
Honesty and sensitivity
Is there ever a time in which we should not be completely truthful? Let's say your younger sister made a complete mess while making something special for you to eat. It tasted terrible. Would you be completely truthful with her? Or, because you knew she tried hard to do something for you and you loved her, would you say instead, "Thank you. This tastes wonderful"? Honesty is one virtue among many and should not itself become an absolute dictum. It has to be kept in balance with other qualities such as politeness, loyalty, privacy, sensitivity and patience. There are simple norms of good behavior that "being honest" do not entitle one to violate.True honesty is an expression of love and therefore shows respect for the person as well as the relationship. It allows disclosure and prevents secrets and barriers that might hinder the growth of heart. Honesty that does not express care and concern is not authentic.
Honesty is not an excuse for being unkind. It is possible to be both honest and sensitive. Occasionally we must say things that another person may not want to hear.
Kindness does not mean keeping our mouths shut in these instances. Rather, it means caring enough about the other person and the integrity of the relationship to express the truth in a respectful way. Speaking the truth does not mean blurting out everything that is on our minds. Discretion, sensitivity, and proper timing are needed.
In fact, when you can be both honest and sensitive, people will be able to accept what you are saying much more easily. Just knowing someone very well (such as your mother, father, sister, brother or best friend) does not give you permission to be cruel. Friendship requires its own artistry in relating well to others. You may help others to see important things that have been ignored, but the way in which you do this means everything. If you can be sensitive, your friends will probably genuinely appreciate your honesty.
Questions for discussion
1. What does honesty have to do with personal relationships?2. What does it mean to be honest with yourself?
3. What does self-deception mean?
4. What would it be like to live in a society where no one was honest with each other?
5. How does it feel to be lied to?
6. If someone you know lies to you and then asks for your forgiveness, can you easily trust that person, or does it take time to rebuild trust?
7. How does lying affect your character?
8. What does it mean to “rationalize” something? Why do people do this?
Exercise: “What’s wrong here?”
In each of the following situations, try to answer the following questions:
1. What is the problem with this situation?
2. How would you feel if you were in this situation?
3. What would you do?
A. You are promised a job with a certain employer. When you show up for the first day's work, he says he never promised you and has hired his own son instead.
B. After having lunch at a café, the person at the cash register gives you too much change.
C. You need your mother's signature on your progress report to turn in the next day or you'll get in trouble. You forgot to show it to her. You can imitate her handwriting pretty well, though.
D. Kevin said he'd pay you back the money you lent him by Friday. School's almost out for the weekend, and he hasn't given you the money.
Reflection Exercise: “Judy and the Lie”
Story of Judy and Nancy
Judy and Nancy had been good friends for a long time. It was not unusual for them to spend Friday night together with their other friends. Therefore, Judy was disappointed when Nancy told her she had to stay home to watch her three-year-old sister the coming Friday night. That Friday, the snow was coming down in blankets as Judy looked out the window of her apartment. She was home with her mother and father and felt terribly bored. Judy decided that her friend Nancy might like some company. So she called her to ask if she could come over for a visit. However, when she called there was no answer. Judy assumed Nancy and her baby sister must have gone to see their neighbor.On Monday, Mike, a boy in Judy's class, asked her why she did not come to his party on Friday night with Nancy. Judy felt confused and embarrassed, not sure how to answer. Not wanting to believe that her friend Nancy had lied to her, she decided she had to have a talk with her.
Several days later, Judy was with Nancy, riding the bus home from school. Her stomach twisted in knots at the thought that her best friend could have lied to her and deliberately cut her out of an event. Judy had been thinking about it all day and wanted to know the truth from Nancy.
Hoping that Nancy had a good excuse, Judy asked her about Friday night. Nancy looked uncomfortable and looked away from Judy. She told her that she was home all evening with her little sister, and that she thought Judy knew her better than to question her. Judy said nothing else, but got off the bus at her stop. Now she knew that Nancy was not the trusted friend she thought her to be. Not only was the friendship over; Judy sadly wondered what else she had been lied to about.
Questions for reflection
1. If you were Nancy, how would you feel if you lost Judy's friendship because of lying to her?
2. Pretend you are Judy. Only two weeks ago you lied to one of your other friends, but that friend never knew. Would this change the way you handled the present situation? Would it change the way you feel about Nancy lying to you?
__